resolutions

I just typed this:

I don't think I've ever had a real new year's resolution. Definitely not a list of them. I mean, I've had ideas, and one time in high school I resolved to stick to a very particular diet all the time (breakfast: OJ; lunch: apple; dinner: caesar salad, heavy on the dressing) (it did not work), but that's it.

Then I checked my old livejournal (yup) (blog #3) (if you knew about it and you link it in the comments I will find you and peel the skin of your eyeballs off) that I had for a couple months when I was 20, and I found out I was wrong! Behold:

- to work out four times a week

hahahahahahahah. And if that weren't enough, the next three items are also about staying in shape. SIKE! In the year that followed this entry, I gained ten pounds. The next year, I gained five more. And then somewhere between not working out and not eating healthily, I suddenly dropped them all this autumn. Moral: there is no spoon.

- to read material of my own choosing

It's hard to believe there was a time I never really did any reading. I guess I felt that if I had to read "The Sovereign State and Its Competitors," "The International Global Economy" and twelve short novels about sexual identity (ah, the lit department) all at once, I didn't want to spend my off-hours turning pages. Still. (Side note, while I'm talking about books: has anyone else noticed how overly obsessed Gawker is with the James Frey thing? They care SO HARD. OMGSTFU.)

- to have what my parents used to call "quality alone time" at least once a week

This is a sort of illuminating fact about my college self - I didn't know how to be alone. I had a boyfriend, and aside from our separate classes and jobs, it seems we were almost never apart. When we were, I'd be studying in the library, or at Golden Spoon with my roommates. When I was truly in my own company, I think I was probably hunched in my desk chair reading blogs or something. LOSER

- to spend no more than $1.50 on a caffeinated beverage. one exception allowed per week

Oh, Me. You can't fool me with your deliberately vague text. I know you're trying to Quit Iced Lattes. I know how bad you done fucked that up. (Maybe if I'd succeeded on this, I wouldn't be spending fifty bucks a month on triple grande no-whip peppermint mochas.)

- to get out of debt. fast. and to stay out

I flunked this one big time. At least at the time I wrote this, my debt was contributing to my stellar credit rating. I blame my brief fling with pounds sterling on the financial fall from grace that happened eight months after I wrote this, but in reality I'm simply irresponsible. (Side thought: a friend of mine once mentioned in a blog entry that she wanted a coffeemaker, and then a magnanimous reader sent her one. To that end: COUGH COUGH I SURE WOULD LIKE A LOAN I COULD USE TO CONSOLIDATE MY CREDIT DEBT COUGH COUGH. ...No?)

I didn't plan on reviewing my life's failures in this entry, but wow! I sure have a lot! This must be why I haven't made any resolutions since then. If I made any I think they should be crap resolutions, like:

• Drink six times a week, and use the seventh day to trick yourself into thinking you don't have a problem
• Drink coffee every day, but at different times of the day so it's not a "real habit"
• When you go out, Go Out. None of this "home by midnight" BS
• Try something new with eye makeup
• Put five bucks on March Madness (I'm CRAZY)
• Don't poke yourself in the eye with your own finger (which I just did this very second)

Yay for setting yourself up for success.